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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in pablo_das' LiveJournal:

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    Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
    11:11 am
    oi oi oi
    roller derby girls rule!!!

    IM learning to record myself.

    i miss playing with tim.

    I have a 31 yr old "concubine" ( thanks for the term k-lo)

    i need to get away...baaaaaaaaad.
    Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
    5:59 pm
    soooooooo

    Buddhism: how to focus on what parts of it i need to..well...focus on.

    last night's talk ( dharma punx) had to do bringing real time awareness to the idea of impermanance. I know i have to work on "realizing" impermanance in my life...not just understanding it intellecually. The intellectual understanding doesn't help you when someone dies or your love leaves you. I do not know how to make that switch...some observation..or "insight" into the impermanant nature of everything is what's needed..and an understanding that grief is part of the package.

    See...there's a difference between this suffering that there is guaranteed in life...ie: your mom dies and you feel grief. And then there's this prolonging of the situation ( maybe for years) through aversion..I dont think the goal is pushing pain away...it's actually coming to terms with the fact that it exists AND IT ISN'T PERSONAL.

    this is really what i want to say to myself here...writing this.

    that's it.

    Current Mood: calm
    Current Music: rancid in a few
    2:31 pm
    ugh!!!!!!!!!!
    ive had a couple of the worst days in history of pablo.

    Its remarkable what pain sobriety brings up...and how much it changes EVERYTHING. I freaked out yesterday really bad...partially because my friendship with my ex boyfriend is ending... i feel like were breaking up again. I have to keep everyone who causes me pain at arms length and get the people in who want to help...especially now. I'm on the fast track to getting my life together..but it's FUCKING HARD!!!! nothing to kill the pain....so the pain just burns...and it's old pain as well as new pain. ugh!

    Im really grateful for the dharma punx...I feel like ive found my family...ive never been around people who care so much for me for no other reason than because someone else did it for them. I've been so resistent..especially in the non drinking stuff...but if im gonna get my shit together I have to humble and let these people help me. I have cried enough! ...and the idea that maybe i can do for someone else later like the fucking amazingfeeling that i have right now that someone really has my back...I havent felt like that in a looong time. I love these people and I'm so happy to be one of the crew!

    I feel my loyalty building in a big way...and I feel like i have the actual ..for real...support and community that i need...that we all need to get by.




    pablo

    Current Mood: confused
    Current Music: rancid "olympia, wa"
    Monday, January 31st, 2005
    3:25 pm
    im so fucking down...

    I just wonder why the hell i cant adjust to life as it is. Im so fucked up by everything. right here right now..id say i have no idea what the fuck i want or who i am. Im so stuck and sad. Im not productive...

    i guess its all emotional really...im just sad and lonely...i don know if i want to move or stay or record or work or love or what... im so confused...

    i got nothing good to say..


    actually im gonna say good stuff...im gonna fucking force it.

    1. my friend chris is cool..he listens to m whine.....tanner is one of those guys too.
    2. ive been successfully ober for many weeks...
    3. grateful for my teacher noah
    4. thankful for rancid
    5. thankful for punk and thrash...it gets me through my life right now
    6. i have a nice job


    fuckin balhblah blah

    whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!rOAU P3GH;OIFaHGkjadgb

    Current Mood: lonely
    Current Music: NO MEANS NO
    Saturday, January 29th, 2005
    11:07 am
    update
    wiped out on my skateboard in front of a pizza joint last night ( yes it's icy ...i know that...but i was listening to dead kennedys in my headphones and killing time while my laundry did it's thing) ...im back from san fran, fell in love with it....my trip to paris fell through and im not happy about it... i havent recorded in two weeks and i feel useless...i downloaded anthrax "among the living" and songs from persistence of time last night as well as making a playlist of songs ( like stryper and white lion) that i listened to in highschool, i called it harvey philson after my best friend...stryper is one of the best bands in the genre!...i discovered ANTI-FLAG last night. I like them. ...slept with my ex the other night,it was really nice. met lars from rancid in san fran...helped a friend get sober there...feel like i have a family there....watched two lesbians eat each others pussies in plain site at the eagle (sf) in the mens room... been fighting against mysticism ( like reincarnation) in my buddhism class... ive lost 18 lbs since december fast, quitting drinking and maintaining a vegan based diet...i spent alot of cash on clothes in san fran...i never do that... saving money like a mad man...thinking of moving to san fran, but got to settle things with my ex and make sure im really ready to leave...maybe im not.

    that's that. hi drake!

    pablo_das

    Current Music: anti-flag "911..."
    Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
    4:36 pm
    kinda ok
    im kinda ok today.


    all I ever think about is love.
    Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
    12:52 pm
    THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
    paul, pablo, pablo_das

    THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
    humor, loyalty, songs

    THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
    codependence,sadness ever present, agressiveness.

    THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
    antifolk, sharma, rock and roll

    THREE THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND:
    homophobia, belief in god, iraq qar

    THREE THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU:
    weakness, radio, advertisements

    THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
    being alone, my friends dying, middle eastern countries

    THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
    vegan soup, email,rancid

    THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
    rancid hoody, etnies, old navy boxers, blue

    THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
    plates with faux gold repair, mexican lunch menu, stolen plastic flower

    THREE THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST:
    "we do what we can" ..."whatcha gon do?"..."hot"

    THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS AT THE MOMENT:
    (Not to be confused with all-time favorites)
    rancid, trashcan sinatras, they might be giants

    PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH:

    my basement boys, stermer on I.M., seth

    THREE REASONS YOU'VE BROKEN UP WITH EXES:
    never broke up with an x

    THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
    affection, loyalty, respect

    THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
    emotional-ness, non violence, compassion

    THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
    meditate regualarly, drink alcohol, listen to the radio

    THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
    recording, reading dharma related books, myspace messages ( thats pathetic)

    THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
    gay sex, a certain boy to write me back, to make a video.

    THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:

    diy musician ( poor), red cross worker ( poor), staying in design ( well off)


    THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
    #1 india
    #2 thailand
    #3 uk

    THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
    see india, make headlines as a gay chuck d, be married to a boy

    THREE WAYS THAT YOU WOULD WANT TO DIE
    intentionally drown in glacier park at site i wrote "big sky" about near lake mc donald, plane crash with friends and lovers, quietly in my sleep with sam by my side.
    Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
    12:24 pm
    I have had an awesome week.

    I am recording my new stuff and I'm super happy with the way it's going...i can't wait to get back to work ( money money money) I'm gonna make a video...and spend alot of money on it...and it's going to be the most upsetting in your face video that any antifolk fag ever made...it's gonna really piss everyone off...except "my " people...

    i had a good time the other night at this punk show inside somone's house...went with kimya...met spoonboy( cute as fuck) and a few of his friends...we stayed up and had veggie burritos and i got initiated into the zombie game...FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!! im very excited...they invited me down to dc which woulda been super cool but i just cant go...

    i feel fucking aweosme...quitting drinking and then fastin was the best thing that ever happened to me...im a different poerson...and now im losing crazy weight...

    my sex drive was M.I.A. and now it's back with a vengence...just thought you should know.

    my life rules!
    Thursday, January 6th, 2005
    3:55 pm
    I realized that what I want is to get married and have a family. Above all else...that's what I want.
    Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
    1:27 am
    So tonight at dharma punx was really helpful. If you don't really know about buddhism...the basic premise is that we increase our level of dissatisfactoriness in life by complicating things with our minds...grasping at realities that don't exist... having aversion or attraction to things. That there's a relationship between our thoughts and how much we impose suffering on ourselves unecessarily..i don't know about you dear reader but I definately experience that idea as a personal truth. Which of course is why the buddha proposed an exploration of the truth of that (or lack thereof) through meditation.

    I have noticed lately is that since we are trying to minimize suffering...we have to stop doing the things that we see cause more pain ultimately than they provide joy. Drinking was one...but the other big thing for me is sexuality and relationships. impermanance reighns! everything is changing all the time...i remember walking through manhattan and trying to explore impermanance a couple months ago after my breakup and ,..actually here's the song that came out of it.




    I walk the city looking for one something that will never change. I found that everything is changing, it's constant.
    I walk the bowery desperate for one thing that stays the same, hold back my tears again from streaming for a third day.

    there's nowhere to stand. What's wrong with my thinking? can I swim against the stream?
    there's noone around everbody's sleeping I can't wake up on my own.

    I watch my breathing and my mind goes fuckin crazy.
    I'd rather make up phony stories about losing you.
    back to my breathing and my body and my thinking
    I've got a long long way to go



    I'm starting to come to the conclusion that what is required to avoid the lows is to also let go of getting high. either the high of love and covetting someone...or the high of drinking. I've lately been living a very simple life..alot of time by myself...I've stopped drinking and trying to get laid. I've stopped searching for love...and strangely..although i don't get the highs I don't experience the suffering either...and the suffering always lasts alot longer than the joy. So as is often true with "spiritual" practice...you can hear teachers saying things for years on end...but those things are only signposts...it's when your direct experience reveals to you that something is a "real"ity ...real....that you remember the signpost put up for you...they didn't teach it to you..they just suggested that after looking deeply into their own experience that it might be true for others down the road.

    thats what i feel like is happening to me...after 15 years of studying and practicing buddhist meditation...i finally fucking understand...MADE REAL...what buddha talked about when he said the middle path was the path to happiness....I get it now! not because he said so...but because he put up the sign ...so when i got there I'd remember! I'm there...and i think I'm about to really grow the fuck up!


    having said that...about maturity...thanks god for RANCID!!! they ge me....hahahahaha!


    love pablo
    Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
    1:43 pm
    pablo
    I feel sad and like i dont know who I am.

    but I'm getting better.

    minor setback.
    Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
    2:00 pm
    back in the fray
    I saw my ex boyfriend , SAM last night for the first time in months because he was professing missing me sooo much when i was keeping my distance and not really communicating. So i finally agreed to see him. WE went to see phantom of the opera...a perfect low pressure thing...didn't have to talk too much. But it was so nice to be with him. Brought up alot of emotions. WE ended up having a long phone conversation about the obvious fact that we're both still really in love with one another and miserable apart and that we can't really pretend that's not true.

    So we actually did talk about the possibility of being together again. We'll see where that goes. I must admit I'm happy about the possibility...but really scared about opening back up to him.

    Life is unpredictable and weird.

    I had a new years! that's what I can say about it...i went to my buddhist meditation group and I then went home with jake ... we watched a movie calle "HOW TO DRAW A BUNNY" which was cool except for the fact that it had this horrible soundtrack that was like this avant garde jazzy cool 50's snare drum player...it was so irritating to just listen to incongruent drums playing no beat...just...uuugh it ruined the movie it was so horrible.

    im on day 4 of my juice fast...i feel great and I've lost 6lbs...

    Im gonna go lay down now.

    pablo_das
    Friday, December 31st, 2004
    11:28 am
    THE ONES I LOVE
    IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME THAT TWO OF THE GUYS I'VE REALLY BEEN IN LOVE WITH BOTH HAD BIRTHDAYS TODAY...AND THEY BOTH CAME BACK INTO MY LIFE THIS YEAR. i GOT TO THINKING ABOUT THE GUYS I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH. HERE THEY ARE.

    MILO CLARK- 8TH GRADE ( NEVER EVEN HARDLY TALKED TO HIM) BUT HE WORE JEELY SHOES WHEN NO ONE ELSE WOULD HAVE MUCH LESS A GUY.

    DRAKE THURMOND - ONE OF THE DEC 31ST B-DAYS...HE WAS STRAIGHT AND I WAS CLOSETED...BUT i REALIZED LATER THAT I WAS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH HIM BUT NOT LIBERATED ENOUGH TO HAVE THAT OCABULARY TO USE.

    JERRY LASKA- ANOTHER STRAGIHT BOY...HE MEANT ALOT TO ME BECASUE WE WENT THROUGH THE DEATH OF HIS BEST FRIEND AND MY MOTHER THE SAME YEAR ALL TOGETHER...WHEN I CAME OUT...HE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED WITH ME...I NEVER KNEW A SRTAIGHT GUY WHO WOULD DO THAT. IT MEANT SOOO MUCH TO ME THAT HE WASN'T AFRAID.

    CARLOS FERNANDEZ- MY FIRST "BOYFRIEND"...INNOCENT...I REMEMBER US TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO FUCK AND THAT WE NEVER DID GET IT RIGHT AND EVERONE WAS ALWAYS GETTING HURT. OUR RELATIONSHIP DISSOLVED PEACEFULLY AND i DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT REALLY ENDING OR WHY...AHHH FIRST LOVE. NO BIGGIE BUT BEAUTIFUL.

    MATTHEW COOK- ( THE OTHER DEC 31ST)THE MOTHER FUCKING LOVE THAT DESTROYED ME...MATTHEW WAS TOTALLY FUCKING BEAUTIFUL AND TOTALLY FUCKED UP...HE LIED TO ME AND WAS SO FUCKED UP ON DRUGS THAT HE JUST DISAPPEARED...HE SMASHED MY HEART AND MY TRUST AND IS THE REASON I DON'T DATE GUYS WHO USE DRUGS. WE ARE GOOD FRIENDS NOW AND HE STRUGGLES WITH SOBRIETY...IM SEEING HIM THIS MONTH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 9 YEARS. IM VERY EXCITED. I'M PROUD OF HIM. THE FIRST COUPLE MONTHS OF THIS RELATIONSHIP WE'RE MAGICAL AND THE BEST SEX I'VE EVER HAD.

    TIM DALY- MY LONGEST AND MOST DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP. I LOVED HIM BUT I COULDN'T HELP HIM...WE WERE IN TKILLS TOGETHER AND NOW WE DON'T HARDLY TALK.

    SAM MAHER- THE GUY I LOVED MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE...HE LEFT ME...AND WE'RE BOTH STILL IN PAIN...LOADS OF IT. I ABSOLUTELY ADORE HIM BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE HIM. IM SEEING HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THREE MONTHS ON SATURDAY. WE'RE GOING TO A MOVIE.
    Thursday, December 30th, 2004
    12:18 pm
    back back back to where I started.
    Back from wisconsin feeling good. Starting a 9 day fast today is the preparation phase...raw foods and juice heading into 7 days of raw juicing and then a few days of transitional raw foods etc. to cleanse last time i did this i felt amazing. I've been sober for 17 days now! I'm really excited to get clean on the cellular level...

    im just excited about life!

    spending new years sitting in meditation with noah and the dharma punx and setting intentions for the new year. MY YEAR OF GRATITUDE AND RE CREATING FAMILY!!!

    had a second date with JAKE...he called me the whole time I was gone. we're having the most wholesome dating ever. We're spending new years eve together at my house ( after dharma punx). We both hate the crowds and neither of us drink.

    I love wisconsin...it's a blue state and everyone's so simple and sweet and nice. Every time i go there I feel like they have what we're missing.

    And goddamn the boys there are so hot!

    i had a lot to write but Ive got alot of work to do too!

    hullo!
    Friday, December 24th, 2004
    11:11 am
    so it's x mas eve...i watched a "christmas caroll" which i clearly haven't got a grasp on the speeling. This was the george c scott version and it was really good! The disturbing thing is that my script for hating christmas was an aful lot like scrooge's...almost word for word. This was one of those moments where you're like...oh my god the author's intentions are translating and now I want to be a better person. I want timmy to live and i don't want to die alone and ...well... alone!

    So I'm gonna be christmas-y

    also my meditation teacher told me I need more tolerance,,,esp religious tolerance even if it's based on pity and compassion for the poor fools because they too need to feel life is not scary and ampty and that we're alone...which i can understand on some level.

    This new friend of mine, jake, who sems every bit as jaded and angry as myself...also is sending messages for the need for tolerance...it's a tall order...but im gonna try.


    So tonight I'm gonna go meet this guy Jake for a while... he's really smart and apparently attractive ( I haven't met him) he's a "handful" on the phone and he jokes alot and he includes foetus's in his jokes...so I think we're meant to be pals. I think he's very dark in a optimistic vs realistic kind of way. He's also kinda confusing...i'm looking forward to getting the in person insight on this guy.

    He wrote me the worlds longest emails this week....like reallllly reallly long emails...I liked that...but it was a little tiring for me and we just started calling each other.

    anyway...i'm interested to meet him even though I SHOULD go home and pack and wrap etc since i am leaving at 6 am tomorrow to go to see my sister in wisconsin
    Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004
    11:23 am
    why do i do things that i know are bad for me. No im not talking about 17 yr olds with skurvey...Im talking about drinking caffiene ( ok it was only hot chocolate...but I haven't had caffiene in 4 months and i knew goddamn well that hot chocolate had it. Now im anxious and feeling like I might split in half ...because well...thats how caffiene affects me. DUMBASS!!!!

    So im glad to be going away to see family during x-mas... I saw that sam has noone to spend it with..I feel bad for him... oh well...i hope he's happy anyway...he has a way.
    I coughed so hard ( because I was laughing last night) on I.M. becaue i kept writing HARE KRISHNA in big letters at kimya...it scared her... I laughed so hard I started coughing...then THAT made me throw up!!! ( I've had bronchitis)

    that was weird.
    im at work

    life feels dead and weird...i really dont like the winter.

    pablo_das
    Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
    4:38 pm
    slow day at moss...

    it feels like the world is dead..everyone is sick...it's quiet... few emails... ive only varified that one friend is not dead...that was at lunch as far as I know she could be a cold stiff gonner by now. winter is torturous... Im getting over my bronchitis and looking forward to disappearing over the holidays to a far colder place for 4 days. wooooo sit on my ass and plot my next steps.

    dharma punx tonight...but maybe not ..just straight home...dunno.

    i realized last night that I want to have a nine way with the jack-ass guys...
    Monday, December 20th, 2004
    10:30 pm
    People who meant alot to me this year
    In no order:

    ######## Sue Marshall: (My high school english teacher and current confidant) She was the only one who recognized the artistic rebel in me in 1986 in my tiny Mojave High School where noone stepped outside the box. Her resurfacing and being so loving and caring and involved in my life this year was very important to me. A really deep conversation about my mothers passing and her son's death which happened at the same time in 1993 inspired these new lyrics which I'll be recording for my new record.
    " you tend to lose your rose tinted glasses on the day that your mother passes. Ten years on and I still haven't recovered. The sky it goes a permanent grey when the one you love just walks away. Did you mean a single thing you said? I'm not here to rock the nation I'm just concerned witht this accumulation of pain in life I could never seem to let go. I carry it here I carry it there. I can't find god but If I did I swear I'd fuckin' punch him in the mouth and beg him to relieve me."

    ######## noah levine: (my meditation/ buddhism teacher) two years before i had rejected buddhism altogether and all spirituality along with it... then I got a call from a girl I studied with who shared my feelings. She said "pablo...you gotta go see this guy...he's for you"...I went and he was! Noah is a punk buddhism teacher...he had full sleeves of tatooes and he wears a rancid whirt while he talks us through present time awareness practice and says fuck alot whil talking about compassion. Noah has become a personal private teacher and couselor for me and I love him very much. He will be guiding me through an intensive year long practice of living a year as though it were your last year to live. I'm very excited for that practice starting in january.

    ######## Sam ( my ex boyfriend) Never loved anyone so much..never been quite so hurt either...Very rich experience and I hope we end up on the friendly side of fate. Besides the personal stuff..he's a really beautiful magical person.

    ######## Daron ( a new friend of mine) Daron is straight and black and from bed stuy...WE have a kind of unlikely friendship.But he goes to gay bars and punk shows with me. And I get arrested for open containers in the ghetto with him...a match made in heaven. we drank a lot of beer and got into a few fights and had some of the best talks Ive ever had with anyone. I feel alot less alone with this guy around. He's every bit as angry and bitter as I am...yet completely loyal and reliable and laughs hard and often!!!! We'd pretty much do anything for one another at this point.

    ######## kimya (known for years but sooo bonded this year) I don't get more text messages from anyone else. I also don't know anyone who writes songs about death more than I do. We are like two high school girls talking about boys all the time. I think we've got a whole lot of deep conversations as well as frivolus ones to have. I don't think anyone has retained a childish sense of fun that matches mine " wanna hide his drumset" she said to me at sidewalk a few weeks ago...that's what I mean.

    ######## bobbie/seth ( my best and oldest friends in ny) took me in to live after my divorce and listened to me cry for months. I love them. I owe them. They are both fucked up..like me! They have my absolute loyalty forever!

    ######## Justin ( a resurfaced friend from san diego) now living in Atlanta..Justin came up for a visit and he and I bonded BIG TIME...we'd been sorta out of touch...but all of the sudden we're like every day on the phone friends and considering moving in together in san francisco where im going in a few weeks to scout out (i wouldn't move until the summer if at all) justin is a buddhist who studies frequently in thailand and is one of the all time most magical people on the planet. Im truly grateful to know him.

    AND THE M.V.P.....

    ####### MIKE HALLOCK ( MY LIFELONG FRIEND WHO MYSTICALLY SHOWED UP IN MY LIFE AT A LOW POINT FROM INDIA) WITH NO PRIOR ANNOUNCEMENT AND HAVING NOT SEEN HIM FOR MANY YEARS (10?) HE REMINDED ME A A VERY PLAYFUL LOVING LIFE LOVING SIDE OF ME I THOUGHT HAD JUST DIED. hE REMINDED ME OF WHY I WENT DOWN A SPIRITUAL PATH IN THE FIRST PLACE...HE MADE SO MUCH ROOM FOR MY TRUTH AND WAS SO OPEN WITH HIS...HE INSPIRED ME AND LOVED ME TO HEALTH...HE'S BACK IN INDIA NOW....i SHALL SEE HIM THERE SOMETIME THIS YEAR. I LOVE MIKE DEARLY! I REMEMBER US...HAVING SPONTANIOUSLY FLOWN TO CALIFORNIA TO GO TO THE "WHOLE BEING WEEKEND" WADING INTO THE WAVES IN REDONDO BEACH....POUNDING OUR FISTS INTO THE WATER WITH TEARS IN OUR EYES CHANTING "I WANNA BE HEALED RIGHT NOW" WE LAUGHED AND CRIED AND DANCED SO MUCH THOSE FEW DAYS. MMMMMMMMMM!!!! AHHHH!!! LIFE!!!!

    WWW.THEWHOLEBEINGWEEKEND.COM GO TO THIS!!!!!!! REALLY!!!! IT COSTS $80
    Sunday, December 19th, 2004
    5:33 pm
    top ten records/songs
    IM gonna do something perfectly foolish and try to tell you the cd's that were important to me this year
    (regardless of release)and actually rank them:

    1. fuckin A -the thermals
    2. weightlifting -trash can sinatras
    3. more parts per million - the thermals
    4. bone - tim booth
    5. dead kennedys - in god we trust
    6. the shins - chutes too narrow
    7. x - wild
    7. green day - american idiot
    8. an albatross - we are the lazar viking
    10 lali puna - faking the books

    most important songs:

    1. "every stitch"- THERMALS (far and away the most important song to me this year)..I wonder would I have made it?? I actually wrote the lyrics to this song on the back of my jacket.

    2. I walk alone" - GREEN DAY my fucking theme song for the end of this year...i cried over this song a hundred times. "I walk a lonely road..the only one that I have ever known...I don't know where it goes but its only me and I walk alone" ..."my shadow's the only one that walks beside me" etc...

    3. "freetime" - TRASHCAN SINATRAS ...I saw this band six times this year in two states..."i'll take these blue skies however fleeting...it might be too late tomorrow" the most inspirational song of the year.


    4. "a man needs a maid" NEIL YOUNG-(one song) just reminded me what true musical integrity is like...soooo antifolk as Sam said. I showed a bbc recording I'd tivo'd to everyone that came over ( along with al sharptons dnc speech)

    5. " all religions make me want to throw up" - DEAD KENNEDYS...i just love how almost childish ( ie mocking) they are in expressing their sentiment and how much I feel that way.

    6. "wave hello" - TIM BOOTH - "wave hello shame we won't stay"...he says...lesson of my year on impermanance.

    7. "do you know where the power lies?" - RANCID I don't even know if that's what it's called but "it starts and ends with you" if you didn't know.

    8. "we're desparate, get used to it" - X.... never heard people sing about being sooo fucked up by life in a way I could relate.

    9. "Leave me alone" - TRASH CAN SINATRAS... this song destroys me... I had to sit through it at every set I saw them play and I got funny looks cause people would see me bawl...."leave me alone...you're all I wanted...don't haunt me now...don't want you now...leave me alone I found what I'm made of" "got no place to go...this feelings goin slow... lowest of the low tonight"

    This song exposes me for the hurt person I am underneath it all no matter how well I think I'm doing.


    OK THAT'S ALL I GOT...
    4:27 pm
    MY NAME IS PABLO. ALTHOUGH i'M SICK WITH BRONCHITIS i'M PRETTY DANG HAPPY RIGHT NOW. i JUST ASKED MY TEACHER IF HE WOULD GUIDE ME THROUGH THIS INTENSE YEAR LONG PROGRAM CALLED "A YEAR TO LIVE" WHERE YOU PRETEND THAT YOU LITERALLY HAVE ONE YEAR LEFT UNTIL YOU DIE. AND YOU GO AND YOU TIE UP LOOSE ENDS WITH PEOPLE AND YOU DO THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO DO AND YOU FIND PEOPLE YOU MISS AND YOU SAY THINGS TO PEOPLE THAT NEED SAYING AND YOU LIVE BALLS OUT...YOU JUST GET YOUR LIFE COMPLETELY UP TO DATE.

    HERE'S WHAT ON MY AGENDA:

    *QUIT MY JOB AND GET A LITTLE CAR AND GO PLAY MY SONGS TO NOBODY ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

    *DO STAND UP AND A ONE MAN SHOW.

    *GO TO SOUTH ASIA AND DO LENGTHY MEDITATIONS IN DHARMSALA WITH THE DALAI LAMA AND IN THAILAND.

    *RECORD MY RECORD MAKE A VIDEO AND GET IT PLAYED ON NY NOISE!

    * FIND TYLER SCOTT (THIS MAY BE ONE OF THE MOST PRESSING) THIS GUY I THINK I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH SINCE I MET HIM IN 1996...I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE HE IS. BUT I WANT TO SEE HIM AND TELL HIM THAT I THINK OF HIM ALL THE TIME AND WHAT HE MEANT TO ME.

    * SEE MY ENTIRE FAMILY IN ONE PLACE ( THAT HAS NEVER EVER HAPPENED)

    * FORGIVE A PERSON I LOVE DEARLY.

    * FIND MY BEST FRIEND OF 14 YEARS KELLY WHO MARRIED AN ASSHOLE AND DISAPPEARED INTO A HORRIBLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP AND ABUSED EVERY ONE OF HER FRIENDS ON THE WAY OUT AND MAKE SURE SHE'S OK AND TELL HER i LOVE HER THOUGH i KNOW I CAN'T HELP HER.

    *SEE GLACIER PARK AGAIN.

    *GET LAID IN MANCHESTER ENGLAND BY SOME BOY WITH THAAAAT ACCENT.
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